


If i could remember

by Mionicov



Series: One shot collections RPDR [13]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cancer, Character Death, Drug Use, F/F, Memories, Moving On, References to Depression, Sick Character, Sickfic, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-06-29 19:15:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19836775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mionicov/pseuds/Mionicov
Summary: It has been years since Adores passing yet Bianca can't seem to move on.





	If i could remember

**Bianca sat in her apartment.**

Since long she had pasted newspapers to the windows to block out the sunlight and the only light in the room came from the television that she kept running 24/7. The room was damp and the air felt unbearable due to the dust that had gathered up over the years.

The room reeked of weed and warm booze. She didn't mind all that. She barely knew what smelled bad anymore, she simply didn't give two fucks about all that. All she felt alive doing nowadays was sitting in her room, drinking herself into a stupor and shooting poison into her blood system by the syringes through her wrists.

He smoked atleast two packs a day and spent most of her money on alcohol. She pitied herself. Ever since Adore died she had went on an downward spiral into a hot mess.

She had friends. She just didn't know how to look them in the eye after what she had become. 

She used to be an inspiration to people. She was a standup comedian making jokes about politics and stupid people. The same thing really. She would be a motherly figure and a helping hand to those who needed her. She would be caring and loving but harsh on the people around her.

What a joke. Now she was nothing more than a junkie in her now rundown home.

Adore would cry if she saw me now. - those were the words Bianca told herself on a daily. But she didn't know why. Maybe there was a spark of sanity still somewhere inside of her. Maybe.

Bianca pushed the needle into her vein. The liquid streaming into her blood made her feel momentarily complete. She closed her eyes and sighed.

She drifted off to a better place.

"B! Pass me the toffee!" Adore laughed as Bianca kept it just right out of reach for the younger. Bianca smiled and shook her head.

"You've had enough already! It's so damn sweet you'll lose your teeth before you turn 25!" 

Adore laughed and pushed her arm.

"Bitch! I eat as much as i want to!" She grabbed the cocoa sauce and opened the lid before she poured some right into her mouth from the tube.

"Oh my god, that's gross." Bianca cringed.

Adore laughed and shook her head.

"No, it's fucking delicious." 

The two bantered as they finished their icecream outside by the swimmingpool. Adore pushed Bianca into the water and Bianca took her revenge by pulling Adore with her down. They both laughed and splased eachother with water. 

It was a happy day and Bianca remembers it like yesterday.

Bianca found herself staring out the porchwindow through the blinds out into the now mostly empty pool. It was covered with leafs and beercans and other forms of trash. 

Adore was always keen on keeping it clean but now that she wasn't around Bianca could barely look at it.

She closed the blinds and headed back into her room. She laid on the matress that had once belonged to a bed. The bedframe that she and Adore painted together. Anoter happy memory she could not stand.

She covered her eyes to get some more sleep. 

She woke up to the sound of the front door opening. She didn't have any motivation to move but the sound of Adore's sweet voice made her shoot up.

"Bianca?" She must've heard wrong. It must be the drugs but she swore she saw Adore walking into the room.

"Oh my god. Bianca? What the hell is this?" Bianca snapped out of it and saw Trinity shocked in front of her. 

"Hey." She was even more shocked at the sound of her own voice. She hadn't spoken for days. Months. Or was it even years? One tended to lose count. Her voice was raspy and the words barely left her mouth.

"Don't just hey me! I've been calling and texting for weeks! Is this what you've been up to?" Trinity kicked an empty can across the floor.

Bianca sighed and sat up in the terrible excuse for a bed. She tried to untangle a piece of her hair and wiped some makeup off of her face with her fingers.

"You can't do this to yourself, Bianca! You helped me when i was low and i want to help you." She sat down next to Bianca and sidehugged her.

Bianca couldn't say she disliked the feeling of humanly touch. The last form of contact she made with any living being was over two weeks ago and that was accepting an ordered pizza.

Trinity coughed and waved dust out of her face.

"How do you even-" She stopped herself as she looked at Bianca. She was broken. She saw it in her eyes.

When Adore died it was hard on everyone but for Bianca it was unbearable. She shut herself out no matter how hard everyone tried to reach her. She fell into drug and alcohol abusement and now she was barely living.

Bianca shrugged. She picked one of the opened cans of cheap vodka she kept next to the bed and chugged it. 

Trinity stopped her by pulling it out of her hands. Bianca wanted to protest but she didn't have the energy to. Also, she knew that Trinity wanted to help. She didn't want to scare her off, since she had in fact missed her.

"Come on, go get cleaned up. Take a shower. We're going out." Trinity clapped her hands and stood up.

Bianca groaned but followed orders and headed to her tiny bathroom. She had her bathtub with a showerstand connected to it and whenever she looked at it she saw the clean bright yellow brick walls. She felt the sweet smell of soap and heard the ringing sound of her laughter.

It filled her with even more longing and a new dagger was aimed at her heart. She sighed, she didn't have tears to cry right now.

After her long and warm shower she felt completely fresh and clean for the first time in a long time. She had brushed her long brown hair and applied some of the makeup she used to wear.

She also slipped on the golden watch that Adore had gotten her for her 40th birthday.

It made her feel as though Bianca always had a part of Adore with her. A slight grip around her wrist, the same way Adore loved to caress her wrists and arms.

Bianca closed her eyes and hummed. Adore gave her life. It had killed her to see Adore grow sicker and weaker each day. 

She wanted to bring her back but she knew that it was impossible. Adore was nothing but dirt in a coffin under ground at the cemetary now.

The thought of suicide had crossed her mind before, but the fear of going to hell took over. If she would have a chance at some after life she would spend it with Adore.

Trinity woke Bianca up from her daydreaming. "You ready?" She shook Biancas shoulder.

Bianca just nodded and feigned a smile. 

* * *

_Bianca and Adore walked down the beach after a lovely dinner at Suzie's. The two had just decided to go official and were both on top of the moon._

_Adore ran ahead giggeling. Gosh, Bianca loved that sound. She spun around mid-sprint to face the older and Bianca ran up to her and csptured the younger with her arms. Holding her in a tight embrace and placing soft kisses along her perfect jawline._

_Bianca walked out into the cool water holding Adore close. The other squirmed but allowed Bianca to have full control._

_once the two were out with water to the hems of their knee length dresses Adore held bianca's face and kissed her passionately in the pale moonlight._

_Bianca sighed happily and kissed back. She spoke the words 'I love you.'_

_The girl smiled and brushed her cheeks with her thumbs on either side of her face. She spoke but her voice was blurry. Bianca could not remember her voice._

_Adore kissed her again and then suddenly pulled away. She spoke again but Bianca could not remember her voice._

_'Adore?' Bianca held her girlfriend by the waist. Adore looked tired. She mumbled something before collapsing into the water._

_Bianca didn't hesitate before she lifted her up and carried her hurriedly out of the water. She shook her and tried to wake her up. She didn't._

_Bianca rushed to her car and placed adore in the back. They were not far from the hospital. She got help immediately. She remember watching the doctors and nirses rushing adore on a bed into the emergency facility where the doors colsed behind them. She remember the fear and loneliness she felt back then. She remember the feeling of being helpless._

* * *

Bianca sighed and looked out over the water. She could still see the sweet bubblegum haired, playful girl in the water. She wanted to reach her but she was far out of her reach.

Trinity placed an arm around Biancas shoulders. She pulled B's head to lean onto her shoulder and brushed her hair with her fingers.

"How do you feel?" Trinity asked with an concerned tone. 

Bianca shook her head. Words failed her. Now that she was out and reexperiencing the world after Adore's time she felt as though the sadness was overbearing. 

Tears filled her eyes as she did so and she sobbed quietly. Trinity just side hugged the older and hushed her.

"You're okay, you're fine. I'm sure she's in a better place now."

Binaca cried for a long time. She couldn't care less who was watching. She couldn't help the tears, the loss of her loved one had broken her.

"I don't believe in god..." She begun. "But if he excists i curse him for taking her from me."

Trinity held Bianca and hugged her. She wanted to stay strong for her friend but she felt the tears welling up.

* * *

_Adore sat up in her bed seemingly confused. Bianca sat next to her on a chair fast asleep. Adore looked around the room, she didn't recognize the room but she had a feeling of where she were._

_'How are you feeling?' Bianca woke up and asked Adore as the girl sat there with a blank face._

_'Do you remember?' Bianca asked and the girl spoke up. Once again Bianca didn't remember her words. She hugged Adore and told her that she loved her._

_In that very moment the door opened and the doctors walked in. They had her test results and Bianca paled as she heard the words._

_Cancer._

_It was unremovable and had spread to her entire body by now. Adore didn't have long and the doctors were shocked that Adore hadn't noticed any symptoms until now._

_Maybe she had and was scared to tell anyone. She had a fear of hospitals. Bianca knew that._

_Adore begged the doctors to be able to go home even though they highly advised her to stay at the hospital where they could keep track of her._

_No one knew how long Adore had. A month at max, the doctors told her. The last thing Bianca wanted was to see Adore rotting away in a hospital bed. She would rather have her at home and care for her and spoil her for the last days of her life._

* * *

Bianca and Trinity sat in the car. They had decided to grab something to eat at the closest diner. - Suzie's. The diner where they went official.

Trinity stopped the car and they got out. Bianca didn't want to break down again and emberrass Trinity further so she went to sit at a booth while Trinity placed their orders at the disc.

The place was nearly empty except for an elderly couple at the back of the diner and a family of five a couple of rows away from her.

Bianca dragged her hands across the table. This was the booth her and Adore had sat down at that day. 

She smiled softly as she thought back at Adore Playing with her sucking straw, making fangs out of it and laughing. She had told her she thought she was silly but in all honesty she thought it was adorable.

* * *

_Adore laid in their bed at home and she groaned in pain every time she coughed._

_Bianca felt herself dying inside as she watched Adore get weaker and weaker._

_One night Adore grabbed Biancas arm in terror. It shot Bianca awake as she rushed to Adore's aid. Adore was wheezing, barely breathing. Her lips had a dark shade of blue and her face was pale._

_'Adore!?' Bianca rubbed her face. She rushed to the counter she had her phone on and dialed 9-1-1._

_The line operator answered as Bianca told them what was happening in distress._

_She then ran back to sit on the bed and hold Adore's hand. Adore cried, scared and unable to breathe._

_'The ambulance is on their way, babe. Hold on, just hold on for me darling!' Bianca squeezed her hand._

_Adore's eyes showed her weaknesd and she started to pass out. Bianca slapped her cheeks gently and shook her._

_'Babe! Babe!? Don't fall asleep!'_

_Adore mumbled something and rested her cold hand on top of Biancas._

_'I know you're tired, Adore but you have to fight it!' Biancas tears flowed and Adore whimpered._

_'I love you' she breathed out in a huff before her hand dropped onto her chest. She wasn't moving._

_Bianca head the door open as she shook Adore._

_'Wake up! Wake up, Adore! Don't leave!'_

_The doctors rushed into the room and started to preform CPR. Bianca wailed in the background watching as they were unsucsessful to wake Adore up._

_That was the night that Adore died._

_20 minutes later at the arrival at the hospital she was announced dead. A cancer abscess had formed to block her airways and it had suffocated her._

_Bianca was broken. She had lost everything, she had lost the love of her life. She had lost the meaning to live._

* * *

As Bianca sat in the car again she sighed. She missed Adore so much. No one could make up for that ever. 

Trinity knew what Bianca felt. Everyone was crushed at the news of Adore's passing. 

Adore was the spark of life itself and happiness that lit their world up. She had a way to work the gloomy mood up with just one smile into a sparkling, happy place. 

They all knew that it was hard on bianca. She shut off from the outside world completely. She still did, but they want to do nothing but help her. 

As Bianca got back home she looked around her home. She knew she was a miserable mess. She also knew that Adore would hate what had become of her, not that Adore hated anyone. She was perfect like that.

Bianca walked up to the blinded windows and ripped down the newspapers from them. The light was blinding and it shone across her room. 

She went to grab a plastic bag and rummaged through her room for all bottles and trash. The space already felt alot emptier. 

She knew she had to turn her life around. Adore would be proud of her that way, smiling down from heaven.

The second she had sat down in her newly done bed she picked up her laptop. She opened Microsoft Word and opened a new document. She named it 'To Adore' and then she started writing. 

* * *

This story is dedicated to my dear friend that I lost to Cancer way back. 

Her cancer started to show symptoms only a few weeks before she died. She had Cancer abcesses through her entire body and we knew we didn't have long with her. 

She passed away a week before we had planned to go and visit her so i didn't get to say goodbye.

The news of her death really crashed me down. I fell into an alcoholic behaviour and shut myself in completely. 

I guess this fic has been on my mind for a while and i know she would have like it. She was a huge fan of dragrace as well.

I feel better getting this off my chest. 

I miss and will always love you, Tilda.


End file.
